Dispute over education

How does parenting work when parents have different parenting styles?

Text last updated: 15.06.2023

When parents raise their children differently

"I'm always allowed to do that with Dad!" "But mom thinks that's totally fine!" Who hasn't heard these or similar sentences? Things get difficult when differing views on parenting styles between parents lead to lasting arguments. Or when children play their parents off against each other. The question is: do parents always have to pull together? Or is there room for different ideas in a good upbringing? Read on for some tips on how parents can find solutions to parenting issues that are acceptable to everyone.

What shapes your own parenting style

As parents, we are often influenced by what we have experienced ourselves and usually want to do the same, but better - or completely differently. This depends very much on how we experienced our own upbringing. We often unconsciously repeat our own parenting experiences with our children.

In order to realize what it was like for you, it is worth taking a close look at your own life story: What felt good, what felt less so? This can then be used to develop ideas as a basis for raising your own children together.

You should discuss your personal ideas with each other as parents. Questions you could ask yourself include:

What does good and loving parenting mean to us?
What behavior do we want from our child in everyday life or in this specific situation?
Where do we want to set boundaries?
What rules and consequences do we want to agree on together - at home and outside?
How do we deal with boundary violations?
How do we want to celebrate important events with our family?
What rules apply to family members?

Your answers to these questions are a good basis for developing common principles and rules for raising your own children in a partnership.

Do you know this typical everyday situation?

Mum says the child should go to bed at 7 p.m. so that they are well-rested for school in the morning. Dad takes a more relaxed view and allows an extra half hour of TV in the evening. This can quickly lead to conflict: "You allow everything!" "Well, everything is forbidden with you!"

What now?

It's completely normal for you and your partner to disagree on every aspect of parenting. Differing opinions don't have to be a drama, but they shouldn't turn into a power struggle or an ongoing argument between parents. They should also not lead to children and parents playing off against each other.

The key is for parents to adopt a consistent attitude when dealing with their children.
If common principles, boundaries, rules and rituals are observed, children can cope quite well with their parents' different parenting styles. However, they also require common ground and repeated agreements. It is important that children know who or what they have to abide by in certain situations.

What helps when parents disagree

Here are some tips on how to deal with different ideas about parenting:

Getting into conversation with each other
Talk openly about your ideas and thoughts on parenting. What is particularly important to you, what might your partner be better at?
Set priorities
It also helps to set priorities together and focus on essential rules. What is particularly important to you when it comes to parenting? What is most important to you for your child? Make decisions in favor of the parent for whom the rule or ritual is most important.
Finding compromises
Discuss with each other what you think is best for your child's development. Are there "objective" arguments that speak for or against a certain parenting decision: for example, the effects of a lack of sleep the next day, an unbalanced child after constant gaming, an upcoming class test...? Negotiate compromise solutions that are acceptable to all family members.
Adhere to rules and boundaries
Once you have agreed on rules, boundaries and rituals together, it is important that you then act clearly and unambiguously in accordance with them. It would be confusing for your child if you did not stick to the decision or if your decisions were constantly changing. For example, if the cell phone has been banned from the table during dinner, you must also remain consistent and should not allow any exceptions. Another example: If bedtime is at 8pm, you should usually stick to that time.
The exception to the rule
Also discuss with each other how important it is to you that certain things are possible in exceptional situations despite agreed rules. For example: can the child stay up late if grandma is celebrating a milestone birthday or if the whole family wants to watch the week's soccer final together.
Educational decisions in exceptional situations
In turbulent everyday family life, there are often situations and events that require a quick decision on parenting issues. Your child should then know who is currently in charge. The decision must then be supported by both parents. Afterwards, you can talk to your partner about the decision you have made and share your views.

Where can we find help and advice?

There are many support and advice services for parents and families in North Rhine-Westphalia. The Family Guide of the Familienportal.NRW makes it easier to find and navigate. It helps you to quickly and easily find the right offer near your place of residence.

For quick support, you can find important hotlines and emergency numbers at a glance on the North Rhine-Westphalia family portal page.

You can read about how parents can be reliable discussion partners for their children in this article on the Familienportal.NRW.

Many local authorities in NRW bundle their services and contact addresses relating to family life (advice centers, parent-child courses, leisure activities and much more) on a special Internet portal. You can find the link to this service for your town or municipality here on our Familienportal.NRW:

You can find helpful tips on how to conduct a good conversation in this guide.