Raising children together: Do parents always have to pull to...

When parents parent differently

"I'm always allowed to do that with Dad!" "But mom thinks it's totally okay!" Who hasn't heard these or similar phrases? It gets difficult when different views on the parenting style between parents lead to permanent disputes. Or when children play their parents off against each other. The question is: Do parents always have to pull together? Or do different ideas also have a place in good parenting? Read on for some tips on how parents can find solutions to parenting issues that are acceptable to all.

What shapes one's parenting style

As parents, we are often shaped by what we ourselves have experienced and usually want to do things the same way, but better - or completely differently. This depends very much on how we experienced our own upbringing. Not infrequently, we unconsciously repeat our own upbringing experiences with our children.

To make it clear how it was with oneself, it is worthwhile to once look closely into one's own life story: What felt good, what rather less? From this, ideas can then be developed as a basis for the joint upbringing of one's own children.

As parents, you should discuss your personal ideas with each other. Questions that you could ask yourself, among other things, are for example:

What does a good and loving upbringing mean to us?
What behavior we want from our child in everyday life or in this specific situation?
Where do we want to set limits?
What rules and consequences we want to agree together - at home and outside?
How do we deal with boundary violations?
How do we want to live important celebrations with our family?
What rules apply to family members?

Your answers to these questions are a good basis for developing common principles and rules in the partnership for the education of their own children.

Do you know this typical everyday situation?

Mom says the child should go to bed at 7 p.m. so that he can go to school in the morning well-rested. Dad takes a more relaxed view and allows an additional half hour of television in the evening. This can quickly lead to conflict: "You allow everything!" "Well and with you everything is forbidden!"

What now?

It's perfectly normal for you and your partner not to agree on everything about parenting. Differing opinions don't have to be a drama, it's just that they shouldn't become a power struggle or a constant topic of contention between parents. Nor should they lead to children and parents playing each other off against each other.

It is crucial that parents find a consistent attitude when dealing with their children.
If common principles, boundaries, rules and rituals are observed, children can cope quite well even with different parenting styles. However, they also require common ground and repeated agreements. It is important that children know who and what they have to abide by in certain situations.

What helps when parents disagree

Here are some tips on how to deal with different ideas about parenting:

Getting into conversation with each other
Talk openly about your ideas and thoughts in parenting. What is especially important to you, what can perhaps the partner do better?
Set priorities
It also helps to set priorities together and focus on essential rules. What is particularly important to you in terms of education? What is most important to you for your child? Make decisions in favor of the parent to whom the particular rule or ritual is most important.
Find compromises
Discuss with each other what seems best for your child's development from your point of view. Are there "objective" arguments for or against a particular parenting decision: for example, effects of lack of sleep the next day, an unbalanced child after constant gaming, an upcoming class assignment ...? Negotiate compromise solutions that are acceptable to all family members.
Abide by rules and boundaries
Once you have agreed on rules, boundaries and rituals together, it is important that you then act clearly and unambiguously according to them. It would be confusing for your child if you don't stick to the decision or if your decisions keep changing. For example, if the cell phone was banned from the table during dinner, they must also remain consistent and should not allow an exception. Another example: If it's bedtime at 8 p.m., you should usually stick to that time.
The exception to the rule
Also discuss with each other how important it is to you that certain things are possible in exceptional situations despite agreed rules. For example: Is the child allowed to stay up late when grandma celebrates a milestone birthday or when the whole family wants to watch the week's soccer final together?
Educational decisions in exceptional situations
In the turbulent everyday life of a family, there are often situations and events that require a quick decision in educational matters. Your child should then know who is currently in charge. The decision must then be supported by both parents. Afterwards, you can talk to your partner about the decision and share your views.

Where can we find help and counseling?

You can find suitable counseling services via the online counseling center search for youth and marriage counseling e.V.. If you enter your place of residence and the topic on the page, you will be shown contact points.

The evangelical and catholic churches also offer a wide range of advice for parents on parenting issues free of charge.

For quick support, you can find important hotlines and emergency numbers at a glance on the page of the North Rhine-Westphalia family portal.

Dispute over education