Good advice is needed in the phase of defiance

The situations are similar: At the supermarket checkout, your child desperately wants a chocolate bar and starts screaming at the top of his voice when you say "no." On the way to daycare, your child angrily refuses to put on his winter jacket, even though it's cold. Your child rages because he doesn't immediately succeed in putting on the colorful socks by himself. And in the evening there is an angry haymaker drama in the bathroom because your child doesn't want to brush his teeth today. There are big tears, a lot of fussing, and maybe your child even lashes out. Does all this sound familiar? Don't worry: this behavior is quite normal in the age of defiance. You can hardly prevent the violent outbursts of emotion, and as parents you have done nothing wrong.

The defiance phase is also called the autonomy phase. The weaning process is characterized by the fact that your child now grows step by step into an independent person with a will of his own. Your offspring develops its own ideas and wants to test out its newly acquired independence. If this doesn't work out right away as expected or if the plan is prevented by mom or dad, the child feels great disappointment. If he or she is not able to assert his or her will, this manifests itself in strong feelings that your child is not yet able to deal with. Children at this age cannot yet regulate their anger properly. But realizing that not every need can be met immediately is an important learning process for later life.

The violent emotional outbursts can occur abruptly. There are many triggers for defiant behavior, but situations can be described in which children tend to outbursts more quickly:

• Maybe your child is simply tired, hungry, or thirsty.
• Or you may have thwarted his plans and pulled him out of an exciting game.
• Time pressure can also be a trigger, especially in the morning. Your child senses this and reacts with resistance.
• Sometimes behind the angry behavior is also pure despair and helplessness - for example, because your child can not yet do certain things alone or you set limits that it just does not understand.

You will probably quickly recognize which situations challenge an emotional outburst from your child.

These tips can help:

• Encourage your child's independence when he wants to do something on his own. If it doesn't work out the way you want, offer to do it together.
• Do not abruptly yank your child out of his play. Give him time to prepare for the fact that he should, for example, in 10 minutes with to go shopping or to grandma.
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• Will your child partout in pajamas to daycare, then let him go. Probably does not happen a second time.
• If you notice that your child is tired, you should perhaps postpone your intention, such as shopping, or keep it as short as possible.
• When the first harbingers of a tantrum announce themselves, sometimes a diversion helps. For example, choose another supermarket checkout without "Quengelware" or ask your child to help pack the goods. Be inventive: with creative ideas and humor, many a conflict can be avoided.
• The less often you say "no", the better it works. Do not set too many, but meaningful and clear rules. And stay consistent in your attitude. Children need limits and it is quite normal that these limits are tested regularly.

One thing in advance: your child's defiant behavior is not directed at you. So don't take it personally.

These tips can help to calm your little defiant head again:

• Take your child's needs seriously. Try to put your child's feelings into words. Offer your help without being overbearing. In this way, you support your child to do it yourself and become independent.
• To calm down during a tantrum, your child needs comfort, support, encouragement and reassurance. Go to eye level and show understanding for your child's feelings. For example, offer your child: "You're angry, do you want me to hold you?" or "You're so angry right now, let's stomp on the floor together!"
• Especially after a tantrum, your child needs to feel loved and accepted. Therefore, do not be resentful.
• React calmly and calmly, even if this is not always easy. You should not be provoked in any case or get involved in a power struggle. Now, above all, patience is required. Show yourself accommodating and offer a compromise, for example, "Let's do this together."
• You should not call your child names, yell at him or punish him. It won't help and will only make the acute situation worse. Threats are also not a good parenting tool. By doing so, you will weaken your child's self-confidence and self-esteem.
• When your child is raging, discussions make no sense. Only when everything has calmed down again, you can talk to your child about it and also explain your own behavior.
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• Convey to your child that biting, kicking and hitting are not okay. It may help to have a corner of the pack in the child's room where your daughter or son is allowed to hit the punching bag.