Parents as reliable discussion partners

Do you know this? If you ask your daughter in the afternoon how school was, all you get is a curt, "It was okay." If you want to know from your son how the classwork went, the evasive answer is, "So-so." It seems that answers during adolescence usually boil down to two-word sentences. Sometimes it's not so easy to get into a conversation with your own child. Read here to find out why this is so and which communication rules will help you get off to a good start.

Sometimes they keep quiet, sometimes they go berserk. Especially during puberty, it is difficult to get close to teenagers. When children remain tight-lipped or evade their parents' questions, it can have many causes: Maybe your son is just too tired after a hard day at school and needs some distance first. Perhaps he misses your full attention because your question comes between door and door. But it could also be that your daughter feels "interrogated" and for this reason alone slams the door loudly behind her. If teenagers feel pressured, they simply block the conversation.

It may be the wording or the overtones that lead to misunderstandings and communication problems. Sometimes parents just have to accept that adolescents don't want to talk. Reproaches make little sense at that moment. It is much better to remain willing to talk and pick up the thread again at a later time. Discussions are also pointless in situations where emotions are boiling up in the offspring. You are most likely not getting through to your child at that moment. What you need to accept as a parent: During puberty, many teenagers withdraw from their parents. Friends now become more important than parents. It is normal that your child no longer tells you everything or keeps secrets from you. You should not take this as a rejection.

There are a few tips on how to establish closeness to your child and avoid communication difficulties through an approachable conversation. We have summarized the most important rules of conduct for you:

• Use the right time. Probably all mothers and fathers know the situation: your child wants to talk about something important, but at this moment you actually have no time for it. Use the opportunity anyway and stop briefly, even if you are in a hurry. A dismissive "Let's discuss later" rarely works. This moment will not come again and your child has already withdrawn. Conversely, sometimes it also requires parental restraint. If your son or daughter has just come home from school, you'd better not immediately start pushing your child with the phrase, "Now tell me." If your offspring is annoyed or stressed, it makes sense to wait and see first.
• Go to eye level. Do not talk down to your child, but get on the same level. Signal your genuine interest in a conversation by making eye and eye contact. Your posture is also important: if you actively turn to your child, you make it clear that you give him time and support.
• Listen actively. Encourage your child to tell stories by asking open-ended questions. Listen carefully and encourage him to continue talking by asking follow-up questions. However, avoid "interrogation": if your questions become too probing, your child may shut down completely.
• Apply the right questioning technique. Some questions are easy for children to answer with one word or a short sentence, for example, "How was school today?" If your child answers "fine," the conversation is over. It is much better to ask more detailed questions. For example, like this:
  • What were you particularly happy about today?
  • Why do you get along better with Tina than with Hannah?
  • What suggestion do you have to catch up on the missed school material?
  • You look unhappy. Do you want to tell me what's on your mind?
• Avoid well-intentioned advice: Even if it is difficult and you have, of course, much more life experience - hold back in conversation with rash tips, comments and your own assessments. Avoid offering your child ready-made solutions when he or she reports problems or conflicts. It is much better to ask your child for his or her own assessment of the situation and to ask him or her to seek out his or her own suggestions. This strengthens self-confidence and promotes the development of problem-solving skills.
• Accept a different opinion: Adolescents form their own opinions, sometimes they also deliberately go on a confrontational course with their parents. Nevertheless, remain respectful in the discussion and listen to your child's arguments. Look together for a compromise that both sides can live well with.
• Send "I" messages. Many people tend to send mainly you messages in difficult conversations. This quickly sounds accusatory and hurtful. It is much better to turn the tables and express your own wishes and ideas. So instead of saying, "You didn't take out the trash again," say, "I want you to stick to the weekly schedule. Today it's your turn to put down the trash."
• Phrase positively. Even if your child has made mistakes and you offer criticism, do so respectfully and lovingly. Avoid communication killers like "You always leave your dirty gym clothes lying around" or "You never clean your room." This provokes your teen more than it helps, and is likely to arouse his defiance along the lines of, "If it's always like this, then I'll do it all the more." Tell your child what to do rather than what not to do. Also strive to end every conversation appreciatively and lovingly.
• Be open about how you feel. Even with the best intentions, things may come to a head during the course of a discussion. You should know: It happens in all families. When emotions boil over on both sides, it makes sense to stop the conversation for now. When you resume it, you should explain your feelings to your child: What made you angry? Why did you act the way you did? Perhaps an apology is in order if you yelled at your child. That's the first step on the road to being reasonable with each other.
• Have regular conversations in the family circle. Do you already know the principle of the family council? If you meet regularly in the family to discuss common concerns, children learn from an early age that they are taken seriously. Together, you can address all the topics that are on the agenda: joint activities for the coming weekend, the distribution of household tasks, birthday plans or the next travel destination. In this way, the family council makes an important contribution to an upbringing in which children are involved in decisions appropriate to their age. And the family council has another advantage: Talking is easier for everyone when conversations are linked to a fixed ritual.