Designing a patchwork family
Overcome stumbling blocks in a patchwork family with these tips
Children love their parents. And the familiar. But after a parental separation, everything is different. If one parent starts a new relationship, there are suddenly massive changes that are associated with stress for all family members. Is the new couple moving in together? Are other children joining the patchwork family? Is one child perhaps just the oldest and suddenly the youngest? There are many, many questions. In this article, you can read about the difficulties that can arise and how to strengthen the new family relationships.
Every patchwork family is different
The issue of growing together is complex; no two patchwork families are the same: Sometimes a child joins the relationship, sometimes children from both previous relationships come together. Sometimes there are children who only join at the weekend. Sometimes a new baby is announced. The challenges are as varied as the variations. Children in particular often suffer from the unfamiliar situation. They are torn between a nuclear and a patchwork family, may struggle with fear, anger or feelings of guilt, and have to get used to a new family routine just as much as a new partner for their father or a new partner for their mother. This can lead to problems in everyday family life.
Common stumbling blocks in a new patchwork family
Typical triggers for family problems are a lack of acceptance, competitiveness and jealousy. Experience shows that parenting issues and the relationship between children and the new partner in particular often trigger conflicts of varying degrees. These are common difficulties:
Acceptance problems
If mom has a new partner or dad has a new girlfriend, this is usually difficult for the children to accept at first. They want the old security of the nuclear family back. They may even hope that their parents will find each other again. The new partners may then be perceived as "intruders" and this manifests itself in hostile behavior and, depending on the age of the children, perhaps even in anger and provocation.
Feelings of guilt
Some children suffer greatly from the new situation and believe they are (partly) to blame for their parents' separation. This feeling is sometimes transferred to the new partner. The new partner competes with the familiar, "replaced" parent. A "bonus dad" or "bonus mom" can of course never replace the original, and should never try to do so.
Loyalty problems
Children find it difficult to adjust to the new situation. Perhaps the mother's new partner or the father's girlfriend is actually nice and friendly, contrary to expectations. However, some children think that if they accept the new partner, they are betraying their own parent. It takes time and trust for both people to find a place in their lives.
New positions for the children in the patchwork family
The roles that everyone in the new family takes on must be clarified anew among previously unfamiliar children within the patchwork family: for example, between older and younger children, between girls and boys and, of course, with their own parent and the new one. This often leads to arguments and jealousy.
Different ideas about parenting
Parenting issues usually still have to be negotiated with the ex-partner who is living apart if custody is shared. Nevertheless, conflicts can arise over parenting issues in the patchwork family if the stepparent has different ideas than the biological parent. This can not only lead to tensions with the children, but also to arguments between the new couple.
How can the "patchwork family" challenge be mastered?
What can help is: be considerate, don't rush things, talk a lot, learn from each other, negotiate with each other, give everyone involved enough time. The following tips will help you adjust to the new situation and make the changes as positive as possible for the children:
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Don't rush things
It makes sense to allow the new romantic relationship to grow for a while before bringing the children into the family. A good exchange of ideas about how to live together, how to organize everyday family life and joint parenting issues etc. will help you get started in the new family constellation.
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Understanding and patience instead of pressure and haste
Children usually find it difficult to accept new partners alongside their mother or father. Building trust takes patience. It doesn't work overnight, not even in a few weeks. Take things slowly and give yourself as a stepparent and the child all the time in the world. It usually takes several years to build up a trusting relationship.
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Restraint is the order of the day
It is normal for children to initially approach their father's new partner or their mother's new partner with reserve or rejection. After all, this is a stranger with whom they suddenly have to share attention. Some children are afraid that the new person could take their mother or father away from them. A great deal of empathy is required in this situation. Show genuine interest, treat the child with respect, offer yourself, but don't impose.
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No false ambition
One of the biggest pitfalls is over-commitment on the part of the stepmother or stepfather. This only creates pressure and in most cases is met with rejection. It is better to keep a low profile at first until a friendly relationship with the child slowly develops.
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Do not take rejection personally
You won't become a "bonus mom" or "bonus dad" overnight. As a new partner, you should not expect to be immediately accepted or loved by the "strange" child. Not even if you make every effort. You may still experience rejection, ignorance and aggressive behavior towards you at first. You should not take this too personally. Acceptance and affection cannot be forced.
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Clarifying the role of the new step-parent
As adults, clarify with each other at an early stage what your parenting ideas are and how you would like to deal with them in the future. What is important to both of you, what is tolerable, what is not acceptable? Particularly in the early days, it is advisable for the new partner to show restraint towards the "strange" child when it comes to parenting issues, otherwise it can quickly lead to rebellion along the lines of "You have nothing to say to me!" Restraint is also called for because the biological parents continue to exercise custody and the new partner does not have parental authority. Nevertheless, rules should be agreed for living together that everyone can deal with.
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Not favoring any child
Especially when step-siblings come together in a patchwork family, there can be a lot of arguments. This is often due to each child's fear of not being loved enough or of being short-changed by their "new" siblings. Treat all biological and stepchildren equally as far as possible and convey that every child is equally important to you. No child should be favored. Keep reflecting on how things are going in the new family: Who is currently having problems in the new family constellation? And how can this be solved?
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Talk positively about the separated parent
Parents always remain parents. The new partner does not replace anyone, but is an additional member of the patchwork family. This means not saying a bad word in front of the child, but speaking respectfully and tolerantly about the ex-partner who is no longer a permanent part of the family. If this is not successful, the child will take sides and side with the other parent.
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The biological parent remains the first point of contact
Make it clear that your new relationship does not change your love for your child. Show that you are still there for your child as a parent and that you love them just as unconditionally as before. Give your child space to talk to you alone about their fears, feelings and needs in confidence. Listen carefully and show that you take your child's concerns seriously.
Patchwork family is also an enrichment for children
Despite all the challenges, hurdles and efforts, a patchwork family also has advantages for children. They gain more caregivers and have a large family network behind them. Patchwork children often develop a very high level of social competence in the new family system. They benefit from having to make arrangements, are considerate and flexible and can adapt well to new situations. Many patchwork children are independent at an early age and take responsibility for others.
Where can we find help and advice?
A patchwork family requires a high degree of conflict management and tolerance from everyone involved. What begins with an emotional high can quickly lead to friction and disillusionment. If talking to each other doesn't lead anywhere, an outside perspective can help. This can be done with other patchwork families, for example.
The many family and parenting advice centers in North Rhine-Westphalia offer free support. The Familienlotse of Familienportal.NRW will help you quickly and easily find the right service near your home.
There is always the option of seeking professional advice online. The Federal Conference for Educational Counseling bke offers forums for patchwork parents. There you can exchange ideas online.
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