The situations are similar: at the supermarket checkout, your child desperately wants a chocolate bar and starts screaming at the top of their voice when you say "no". On the way to nursery, your child angrily refuses to put on their winter jacket, even though it's cold. Your child rages because he doesn't manage to put on the colorful socks on his own right away. And in the evening there's an angry crying match in the bathroom because your child won't brush their teeth today. Big tears, lots of nagging, maybe your child even lashes out. Does this all sound familiar? Don't worry: this behavior is completely normal at defiant age. You can hardly prevent the violent outbursts of emotion and as a parent, you haven't done anything wrong.

The defiant phase is also known as the autonomy phase. The process of cutting the cord is characterized by the fact that your child is now growing step by step into an independent person with a mind of their own. Your child develops their own ideas and wants to test out their new-found independence. If this doesn't work out as planned or if the plan is hindered by mom or dad, the child will feel very disappointed. If they are unable to assert their will, this manifests itself in strong feelings that your child is not yet able to deal with. Children at this age are not yet able to regulate their anger properly. However, the realization that not every need can be fulfilled immediately is an important learning process for later life.

The violent emotional outbursts can occur suddenly. There are many triggers for defiant behavior, but situations can be described in which children are more prone to outbursts:

You will probably quickly recognize which situations trigger an emotional outburst from your child.

• Encourage your child's independence when they want to do something on their own. If it doesn't work out as desired, offer to do it together.
• Don't suddenly pull your child out of their game. Give them time to prepare for the fact that they need to go shopping or to grandma's in 10 minutes, for example.
• If your child wants to go to nursery in their pyjamas, let them go. It probably won't happen a second time.
• If you notice that your child is tired, you should perhaps postpone your plans, such as shopping, or keep them as short as possible.
• If you notice the first signs of a tantrum, a distraction can sometimes help. For example, choose another supermarket checkout without "nagging goods" or ask your child to help you pack the goods. Be inventive: some conflicts can be avoided with creative ideas and humor.
The less often you say "no", the better it works. Don't set too many, but sensible and clear rules. And remain consistent in your attitude. Children need boundaries and it is completely normal for these boundaries to be tested regularly.

One thing in advance: your child's defiant behavior is not directed at you. So don't take it personally.

These tips can help to calm your little defiant one down again:

• Take your child's needs seriously. Try to put your child's feelings into words. Offer your help without being overbearing. This will help your child to do things themselves and become independent.
• To calm down during a tantrum, your child needs comfort, support, encouragement and reassurance. Approach them at eye level and show understanding for your child's feelings. For example, offer your child the following: "You're angry, do you want me to give you a hug?" or "You're so angry right now, let's stomp on the floor together!"
• Your child needs to feel loved and accepted, especially after a tantrum. So don't be resentful.
• React calmly and calmly, even if this is not always easy. Under no circumstances should you allow yourself to be provoked or get involved in a power struggle. Above all, patience is required. Be accommodating and offer a compromise, for example: "Let's do this together."
• You should not insult, shout at or punish your child. It won't help and will only make the acute situation worse. Threats are also not a good parenting tool. This will weaken your child's self-confidence and self-esteem.
If your child is raging, there is no point in having discussions. Only when everything has calmed down again can you talk to your child about it and explain your own behavior.Communicate to your child that biting, kicking and hitting are not okay. It may help to have a corner in the children's room where your daughter or son can hit the punching bag.