Counselor, relationship expert and author Michael Mary describes talking about money as one of the last taboo topics in relationships. He explained to Familienportal.NRW why he says this and what recommendations he gives couples for talking openly about money.

In your book "Money in Couple Relationships", you describe talking about money as the last taboo in couple relationships. Why do couples find it so difficult to talk about money?

One of the main reasons for this is that couples don't have the words for it. If you only have the words "love" and "money" at your disposal, you talk about love - and ignore money because it doesn't seem to have anything to do with love. Even if one person says "We should talk about money", the other usually replies: "But why, we love each other!" and that's the end of the matter. However, partnership is synonymous with coping with life together and securing a livelihood, and money plays a major role in this. So it's all the more important to be able to talk about it well.

Another reason why couples don't like to talk about money is that the topic shows how their relationship is structured and what interests and ideas each partner has about life. If there are extreme discrepancies in the way money is handled, this has a direct impact on the relationship. Let's take the example of retirement provision: if he wants to spend a lot of money on travel, but she primarily wants to make provisions, the couple is in a conflict that needs to be resolved. However, if the issue is swept under the carpet, it will eventually come to blows.

Fathers and mothers have to balance family responsibilities and paid work. How do couples manage to create an appreciation for everything that isn't valued in money?

This is a question of meaning. In a partnership, you shouldn't calculate in sums, but in meanings. It's about equalizing performance. The right thing to say, for example, is: "The fact that I look after the children has the same importance as your eight hours of work, regardless of how much you earn." Non-material contributions to the success of a partnership, such as housework, planning tasks or care work, are therefore given the same importance as paid work.

What is your recommendation: What terms should couples have in their vocabulary to be able to talk about money better?

First of all, it is helpful to bear in mind that money is essentially impersonal. But as soon as money enters a couple's relationship, it becomes personal. I differentiate between three personal forms of money: partner money, friend money and love money. Each type of money requires its own handling. If couples have these three terms available and are aware of which money is involved in each case, they can talk about it more easily.

Please explain to us what exactly is behind these terms.

In areas where a couple's relationship involves joint projects - such as the family - it's all about balancing performance. This means that everyone has to 'sweat' the same amount for the project. Money at this level becomes partner money. This is cool money, because everyone has to represent their interests with a cool head. Loyalty to contracts and reliability are crucial for partnership love.

In areas that involve mutual support, money becomes friend money, warm money. It is used for sharing, the focus is on the happiness of the other person. Friend money that I give helps my partner to finance a hobby, for example. The decisive factor for this friendly love is mutual goodwill.

In the passionate area of a couple's relationship, money becomes love money, hot money. It is given to express the meaning that the partner has for me. At this level, the gift logic applies.

Do you have a practical tip for couples?

When it comes to money, couples should first define what type of money is involved. With partner money, contracts are concluded, often notarized, for example when it comes to property. Such contracts must be demanded. With friend money, agreements are made, e.g. "I'll lend you money for a year and then you pay it back in installments". Such participation should be expected. With love money, gifts are given, e.g. "I'll pay for the whole vacation, you owe me nothing". Here you can ask for a gift in return, which of course does not have to be of a material nature.

The basic rule is that the couple must be open about the money. If the money determines the relationship through avoidance, the partnership will eventually get out of hand.

Cue imbalance: to what extent is money still used as an instrument of power in relationships today?

Contrary to popular belief, money is not the same as power. Power is not a quality; it is bestowed on someone. Generally speaking, those who need something more and want it at all costs have less power. So if I absolutely want money, the wealthy partner has more power. If my partner desperately wants more attention, I have more power.

The father traditionally played the role of the sole family breadwinner or "provider". This image is changing. What does this mean for men?

Men are gradually learning to accept that a woman also contributes to the family income or even earns more than they do. If they take on the family duties as the man of the house, there is even a role reversal. Suddenly you are no longer defined by your job. The trick now is to feel good about your role, and to do this you need to develop a new self-confidence. The best way to do this is for the man to reflect on the importance of his contribution to the family project, as described above, instead of measuring his performance solely in monetary terms.

Dear Mr. Mary, thank you very much for this interview.

(The interview was conducted in 2025.)