Partnership problems

A child comes - the togetherness goes. What happens next? Tips, advice and counseling services for parents with young children

Suddenly parents - couples in crisis mode

Even in young families, (almost) everything revolves around the offspring. Who gets up at night when the child cries? Who comforts when painful first teeth come? Who stays at home and cares for the sick child? Yes, being a parent and remaining a couple is a real challenge. It is not uncommon for partners to lose sight of each other between the organization of children, household and job, even though they wanted to have offspring so much. Typical accusations are familiar to most: You are always tired! You never have time for me! You don't really listen to me! The good news is that such accusations do not have to turn into a serious relationship crisis! Persistent relationship work helps so that love lasts.

When being together means frustration - at what point do we speak of a crisis?

Just still in the "Honeymoon" - uand suddenly the life mwith child has to be organized - a completely new life model, which must first settle in. Minor disagreements are completely normal and not immediately cause for concern. But if the quarrels take more and more space, mindfulness is required.

It is always difficult to say from when one actually speaks of a relationship crisis. Important: The crisis does not come suddenly overnight, but builds up. Pay attention to typical signs. The can look very different. For example:

You are all too often annoyed when your partner suggests something. The tone of conversation is increasingly irritable. There is a lack of appreciation in your conversations.
At your counterpart bounce all suggestions and statements from you unfriendly.
Fighting takes over. It is often no longer about good solutions, but about mutual recriminations.
Physical closeness and sexuality disappear from your relationship.
There are no more nice and relaxed times and outings together. The best time seems to be experienced by everyone for themselves or with others.
You catch yourself more and more often to talk badly and pejoratively about your former favorite person.

Do you know some of these signs from your relationship? Then you should dig deeper into what is actually going on.

What puts a strain on the relationship? Stumbling blocks for young parent couples

Mostly couples do not understand at first that the relationship has gotten into a mess. You may ask yourself: why do we suddenly not understand each other anymore? We have yet so looked forward to the child!

Often different things come together, because life with offspring just changes completely. Really prepared for being parents are the fewest couples. And every relationship is different. What applies to one couple doesn't have to apply to the next. Perhaps you will find yourself nevertheless in some explanatory approaches:

Couple time together comes up short - so does self-care.
So much of what used to make up our life together suddenly doesn't work anymore: whether it's going out for a nightcap around the corner and meeting a few friends. Or a spontaneous meeting for game night. Or a round of dancing at the club, or, or, or ... . The list can be continued indefinitely. Everything that used to be possible spontaneously without a child, depending on your mood and time, now requires planning: Can the child come along? If not, who will look after the child, who can go? Can we still do anything together at all? It is not uncommon for one or both parents to feel dissatisfied.
Lack of sleep and constant exhaustion.
Childcare is exhausting and that 24 hours a day. The days are marked by many duties such as organizing work, bringing the child to care, picking him up, taking care of him, cooking, cleaning and shopping. In addition, the nights are short, the lack of sleep robs more and more energy. One's own needs quickly fall by the wayside. In most cases, as parents become increasingly exhausted, their strength and willingness to deal with their partnership and remain in dialog also dwindle.
Everything revolves around the child.
Mothers of young children are often under great emotional, physical and time pressure. Those who find little support in their partner and family environment feel an increasing strain. The remaining energy is then usually concentrated only on the offspring. The other parent feels massively neglected. This situation puts a strain on the relationship especially when the parents cannot find a form of communication about their feelings and needs.
The changing distribution of roles.
Everything is okay until the birth. Women and men are well educated and have equal footing in their careers. However, the situation still often changes with the arrival of a child. Although most women today want a fulfilling professional life plus a family, the reality is often different: Mothers put their careers on hold or work part-time. Fathers may even increase their workload to make up for financial gaps and finance the accustomed standard of living. In the long run, this results in an imbalance in the relationship.
Less money.
Finances can also be a stressful issue. True, there is parental allowance for a certain period of time. But that's less than a full salary, and then there are the costs for the child and the current inflation for energy and living expenses. Who has how much money now? How is household expenses divided fairly? How is parenting time compensated? Quickly, one parent feels an uneasy dependency. Meanwhile, the other parent feels like they have to bear the brunt of everything.

Tips for saving the relationship

Accepting the situation is often the first step out of a relationship slump. Acknowledging that life is not going smoothly, looking at your situation with understanding, can be very helpful. This advice can help:

Do not get stuck in the quarrel and frustration, but dare to take steps back to the common we.
Try to get back into the conversation. How are you feeling right now? Share yourself and listen to how your counterpart is doing. Try not to judge or immediately give tips on how to improve. At first, just let them tell you. The solutions come later.
Try to understand the needs of the counterpart and recognize as such, even if that does not necessarily correspond to your wishes. Negotiating and reconciling the different needs is only the next step.

Give yourself time together just for you as a couple. Here, friends and relatives can also be happily involved once in a while. And schedule some family time together. This does not have to be anything elaborate: a play session with everyone or a walk through a nearby park, a picnic on the playground or cuddle time together while reading aloud ...
Just touch each other again once. Take each other in the arm.
Cue appreciation: make each other aware of how much you do well and what you have already built together.

If you realize you can't do it alone, don't be afraid to go to a counseling center. You should not wait too long!

Getting back into the conversation - a few useful tips

The atmosphere often improves noticeably when couples manage to get back into the conversation. All of a sudden, you see your counterpart in a friendlier light again. This can lead to joint solutions on how to tackle difficulties. Tips and rules that can help you so that the conversation does not fail right away can be found under Tips for download. You can also read the contribution Fair partnership here on the Familienportal.NRW.

Where can we find help and advice?

There are very many free counseling services for parents from public counseling institutions, from the churches and from non-profit associations.

You can use the online counseling center search of the German Association for Youth and Marriage Counseling e.V. to find contact points and counseling services in your area. You simply enter your place of residence on the page and what the counseling is about. https://www.dajeb.de/beratungsfuehrer-online/beratung-in-ihrer-naehe.

For information and addresses about free counseling centers in North Rhine-Westphalia for families in difficult situations, visit the page of the Ministry of Family Affairs of North Rhine-Westphalia at: https://www.mkjfgfi.nrw/familienberatung-hilft-familien-schwierigen-lagen

The churches offer a wide range of counseling services for couples experiencing difficulties. If you go to the respective church's website on the net, you will get an overview of the counseling services and counseling centers in your area.

Evangelical Church (Diakonie) at https://www.ekir.de/beratung-nrw/
Catholic Church (Caritas) at https://www.caritas.de/hilfeundberatung/ratgeber/familie/ueberforderteeltern/ehe--familien-und-lebensberatung

pro familia also offers psychological counseling on topics related to partnership and sexuality. You can get advice anonymously online or in person on site. More about this at https://www.profamilia.de/angebote-vor-ort/nordrhein-westfalen.

Sometimes the professional view from the outside helps. Then a couple therapy can be a good solution. But this is usually associated with high costs and it can take a long time to get an appointment. You can find therapists on the Internet under the keyword "couples therapy". Enter your city or region in the search engine. Ask best in advance at the selected practice, what costs are associated with a consultation.

Also, there are a variety of psychological guidebooks on the subject of saving the partnership. Both the local bookstore and the Internet offer a wide selection.

TipsDownload

The most important thing in a relationship is to stay in dialogue. These tips and rules for keeping the conversation going can help you communicate well with each other.

Tipps und Denkanstöße für die Gesprächsführung - PDF, 692.05 KB

PodcastsOn the subject

The relationship podcast with Lisa Ortgies. The host talks to people about love, sexuality and their relationships. About how a relationship can run well or better. But also about affairs, couple crises and also times about separation.