Fair partnership

Who does what and how much?

A good plan for the relationship

When two people in a partnership become a family with a child, roles have to be redistributed and "that little bit of housekeeping" reorganized. An approximately fair distribution of tasks, with which both feel comfortable, is the basis for a good relationship and a happy family life. But often an imbalance soon develops, and desire and reality then quickly diverge. In the following, we present strategies on how you can reach a good solution together.

Imbalance creates frustration

"I go to work all day while you sit in the sun on the playground!", "You comfortably watch the crime scene and I have to sort laundry late at night!" - such or similar accusations are an expression of dissatisfaction in a relationship. The feeling of working more and having less free time than one's partner causes frustration. In addition, child-rearing and housework are not rewarded with either financial recognition or a career jump - all too often not even with due appreciation.

View roles

At the latest after parental leave, the question arises: How can working, family and household time be distributed fairly so that both parents are satisfied? Who does how much in the household or takes care of the offspring usually depends on how the occupation is distributed: Does one parent work full-time? Or do both work to the same extent? Furthermore, it plays a role whether the child is looked after by others, and if so, how many hours a day. Have the courage to question the classic role clichés and find a solution for yourself that is okay for both parents.

Raising children is a full-time job

But even if one parent stays at home completely, that doesn't mean he or she has to do all the work in the family and household. Those who take care of small children are usually on their feet from early morning until late at night (and sometimes even at night) without outside help. It's no wonder that it seems unfair for the other person to put his or her feet up after work. That's why it's important to make family and household tasks visible and distribute them fairly - ideally with a written plan.

Inventory as a basis

The basis for the task plan can be a thorough inventory. Here's how to do it:

Keep a record for at least two weeks: who does what, with what amount of time, and how often? Note down all activities (including care tasks such as "reading to the child") and the minutes needed for them.
Think also of special tasks such as birthdays plan, do tax returns, get Christmas gifts, etc.
Write down how many hours which parent performs professional tasks.

Consider preferences and strengths

Then consider together how the tasks recorded in the inventory can be distributed fairly. When distributing the tasks, pay attention to personal preferences and strengths - this increases motivation and efficiency. Those who enjoy doing something or are particularly good at it will take over this area (for example, ironing laundry or gardening). Write down in the plan who does what and what amount of time the task requires. The plan is fair when the bottom line is the same amount of free time for both partners.

Tips for implementation:

Delegating also means handing over responsibility. Sometimes that's hard to do. Trust your partner to be able to do or do something as well as you do.
Accept that your partner approaches a task differently, does the work at a different time or needs more time for it.
Screw your demands down as much as possible and do not look too critically at what the or the other performs. Without compromise and a certain flexibility it does not work.
Show your appreciation by an honest praise - that does the relationship good!
How about it after some time times with a role reversal? Then see what your partner performs.

Negotiation is important

Even if it seems strange to put tasks down in writing and add them up in time: Such negotiation processes are important for a partnership. Create a relaxed atmosphere to plan together, listen carefully to your counterpart and show a willingness to compromise. Ultimately, the goal is to find a good solution together. You can read more tips for negotiation processes in partnerships here on the Familienportal.NRW.

Taking stock in between

Of course, the tasks noted in the plan are not set in stone. If the child grows older or your professional or private situation changes, the distribution of tasks will have to be reorganized. But also stay in touch with each other in between and take stock again and again: How satisfied are you with the model? If necessary, renegotiate.

Where can we find help and support?

If you are unable to find a satisfactory arrangement for your division of responsibilities with each other, you can seek professional help. In North Rhine-Westphalia, there is a comprehensive network of municipal and church-based parent and family counseling centers. In contrast to the services offered by independent mediators, counseling there is free of charge. Using the counseling center finder on the portal familienplanung.de of the Federal Center for Health Education BZgA, you can find a counseling center near you with just a few clicks.