Fair partnership

Who does what and how much?

Text last updated: 2024-07-29

A good plan for the relationship

When two people in a partnership become a family with a child, roles need to be redistributed and "the little bit of housework" needs to be reorganized. A more or less fair distribution of tasks that both feel comfortable with is the basis for a good relationship and a happy family life. However, an imbalance often soon develops - desire and reality quickly diverge. In the following, we present strategies on how to find a good solution together.

Imbalance creates frustration

"I go to work all day while you sit in the sun on the playground!", "You watch the crime scene and I have to sort laundry late at night!" - Such or similar accusations are an expression of dissatisfaction in a relationship. The feeling of working more and having less free time than your partner causes frustration. What's more, parenting and housework are not rewarded with financial recognition or a career boost - all too often not even with the appreciation they deserve.

View roles

After parental leave at the latest, the question arises: How can work, family and household time be distributed fairly so that both parents are satisfied? Who does how much of the housework or looks after the children usually depends on how the workload is distributed: Does one parent work full-time? Or do they both work an equal amount? It also plays a role whether the child is looked after by someone else, and if so, how many hours a day. Have the courage to question the classic role stereotypes and find a solution that works for both parents.

Raising children is a full-time job

However, even if one parent stays at home completely, this does not mean that they have to do all the work in the family and household. Those who look after young children are usually on their feet from dawn to dusk (and sometimes even at night) without outside help. No wonder it seems unfair when the other person puts their feet up after work. It is therefore important to make family and household tasks visible and distribute them fairly - preferably with a written plan.

Inventory as a basis

The basis for the task list can be a thorough inventory. Here's how:

Keep a record for at least two weeks: Who does what, how much time and how often? Make a note of all activities (including care tasks such as "reading to the child") and the minutes required for them.
Also think about special tasks such as planning birthdays, doing tax returns, getting Christmas presents, etc.
Write down how many hours each parent spends on professional tasks.

Consider preferences and strengths

Then consider together how the tasks recorded in the inventory can be distributed fairly. Pay attention to personal preferences and strengths when distributing tasks - this increases motivation and efficiency. Those who enjoy doing something or are particularly good at it should take on this area (e.g. ironing laundry or gardening). Enter in the plan who does what and how much time the task requires. The plan is fair if both partners have the same amount of free time at the end of the day.

Tips for implementation:

Delegating also means handing over responsibility. This is sometimes difficult. Trust your partner to be able to do something just as well as you can.
Accept that your partner approaches a task differently, does the work at a different time or needs more time to do it.
Reduce your expectations as much as possible and don't be too critical of what the other person does. Compromises and a certain degree of flexibility are essential.
Show your appreciation with honest praise - it's good for the relationship!
How about reversing roles after a while? Then you can see what your partner does.

Negotiation is important

Even if it seems strange to record tasks in writing and add them up in terms of time, such negotiation processes are important for a partnership. Create a relaxed atmosphere to plan together, listen carefully to the other person and be willing to compromise. Ultimately, it's about finding a good solution together. You can read more tips for negotiation processes in partnerships here on Familienportal.NRW.

Taking stock in between

Of course, the tasks noted in the plan are not set in stone. As the child gets older or your professional or private situation changes, the distribution of tasks will need to be rearranged. However, keep talking to each other in between and keep taking stock: How satisfied are you with the model? Renegotiate if necessary.

Where can we find help and support?

If you are unable to find a satisfactory arrangement for your division of responsibilities together, you can seek professional help. In North Rhine-Westphalia, there is a nationwide network of municipal and church parent and family advice centers. In contrast to the services offered by independent mediators, advice is free of charge. Using the advice center finder on the portal familienplanung.de of the Federal Centre for Health Education (BZgA), you can find an advice center near you with just a few clicks.

On ARD alpha's topic page "Arguing in a partnership" you will find numerous articles with valuable suggestions on how to resolve conflicts.

Here you can download the communication rules with tips and food for thought for conducting conversations.