Living happily together
Text last updated:
2023-06-15
Love in a couple's relationship needs attention
For parents, having a dream child means pure happiness. But children demand a great deal of attention, especially in the first few years of life. Time as a couple becomes scarcer and many priorities shift. There is a danger that parents will lose sight of their own needs and their relationship if they don't actively counteract this. Read here for practical tips on how parents can make family life happy and remain strong as a couple.
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How do couples stay happy in the long term?
Having a child together means great happiness for the relationship. And yet many things change: for a few years, the needs of the child take center stage. Everyday life with one or more children is often unpredictable and stressful. The result: little time for the partnership, little time for intimacy, little time for conversations that don't revolve around the organization of everyday life. Balancing everything without losing sight of each other as a couple can be challenging. But it can be done!
What keeps the partnership alive?
First things first: there is no one-size-fits-all recipe for a happy relationship with a child. Every couple has to find their own way of dealing with the challenges of family life. However, the following tips can give you some ideas on how to create a happy relationship with a child.
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Talking to each other
Everyday life as a couple changes radically when you have a child. Nevertheless, try to stay in touch with each other and talk honestly about your personal needs. Arrange to have regular conversations. You can only develop an understanding for the other person if you know what is on your partner's mind, what they are feeling or what they may be disappointed about. Accusations such as "You're always tired", "You never do..." or "I always have to take care of..." are not very helpful. Talk about your perception: "I am ....", "I feel ...". Understand your partner's point of view and look together for compromises that are acceptable to both of you.
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Make arrangements
A partnership is only happy in the long term if the tasks in the relationship are shared fairly. This also applies to housework. Divide the responsibilities of parenthood fairly and avoid a one-sided division of roles if possible. Appreciate your partner's daily work: childcare is at least as challenging as a full-time job. It can be helpful to agree weekly schedules together in which you determine who is responsible for what: "Who will take care of the appointment at the paediatrician?", "Who will get the present for the children's birthday party?", etc. Regularly discuss what works well and what you can possibly change.
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Taking time for love
Don't just let your intimacy with your partner get lost in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Make a conscious effort to set aside child-free times for each other when you can look after each other and arrange to go to the movies together, go shopping or on a date night, go to a concert or an exhibition together, for example. Feeling undisturbed for a few hours deepens the relationship and brings back physical closeness. Discover and cultivate shared hobbies and find activities that you can enjoy together as a couple with a child, be it sports, music, cooking or traveling. As a relationship progresses, it becomes increasingly important to consciously make time for shared experiences and intimate moments - otherwise they will become increasingly rare, especially when the need for sleep takes over again.
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Seeking and accepting support
In turbulent everyday family life, it takes a certain amount of organizational talent to create space for time together. This also includes a willingness to accept outside help. Ask yourself: "Who can take the pressure off us?" Maybe it's the grandparents, a friend or another carer who looks after your child on an hourly basis and earns some pocket money. Perhaps there is also the possibility of teaming up with another pair of parents to relieve each other. Even if your child protests at first and you find it difficult to leave your child in other hands for a few hours, you will see that it gets easier each time and your child may soon find out how much fun it is to spend a few hours together with grandma or grandpa or another caregiver.
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Radiate positivity
Look at your partner with love and goodwill. Everyone does their best! And everything works better when you encourage and support each other. Criticism, reproaches and derogatory remarks, on the other hand, are poison for any relationship. Negative comments and behavior can easily develop into a vicious circle. Once the atmosphere is strained, it is difficult to get out of it. Instead, focus your attention on the positive and let your partner know this. This could be compliments such as "Thank you for helping me", "It's nice that you did the shopping for me" or "You look beautiful today". It can be small gestures or admiring glances - anything is allowed as long as it is positive and appreciative.
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Creating beautiful moments together with a child
In addition to the duties of everyday life, it is important to regularly schedule time for activities together as a family. A happy family life benefits from shared activities and experiences. Leisure activities are enriching for the whole family if they take into account the needs of parents and children and at the same time strengthen the couple's relationship. These can be excursions into nature, sporting activities or creative projects. "What does the family want to do at the weekend"? Call the family conference together and ask how Saturday and Sunday can be organized. A visit to the zoo or natural history museum? Go on a bike ride or to the swimming lake? Organize a games evening or read stories together, cuddle up or watch a family film? What do the children enjoy and what do you enjoy? Shared activities promote cohesion and strengthen the bond between family members. They create precious memories and bring light-heartedness into your family life. You can find suggestions for joint leisure activities that cost little money on the NRW family portal.
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Overcoming crises together
Arguments and conflicts occur in every relationship. The reasons can be completely different: Being overwhelmed by everyday life, different values and parenting ideas, an unfair distribution of family tasks and much more. Sometimes all it takes is a minor trigger for an argument and the balance in the relationship is thrown out of kilter. In most cases, the partners grow from these challenges if they manage to deal with the issues and not become estranged. One question that can help them get out of their slump is: "What development is this crisis challenging us to make and how can we overcome it?" Learn how to argue properly and stick to the rules of discussion: let the other person finish, listen to them, ask questions, negotiate compromises. You can find tips and food for thought on how to conduct a conversation in the article "Fair partnership" here on the NRW family portal.
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Don't forget self-care
It is important for parents to listen to their own needs. Take time for yourself regularly to recharge your batteries and regain new energy. Maintain your contacts, don't neglect your friendships and treat yourself to some personal time out while the other parent looks after the child. By strengthening your own well-being, you will feel more balanced and be better able to fulfill your role as a partner and parent.
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Don't give up so quickly
Parenthood brings with it a multitude of intense changes that sometimes push all couples to their limits. Maintaining a partnership requires attention and joint work. Every relationship goes through phases that range from initial infatuation, through highs and lows, to deep, intimate love. Those who make family life with a child lively, argue fairly and treat each other with respect can grow with the challenges and lead a happy partnership that can also survive turbulent times.
Where can we find help and advice?
If you are experiencing difficulties in your relationship, are in a family crisis or are looking for advice and help for any other reason, you can contact one of around 270 family and parent counseling centers in NRW free of charge. Counseling is available in person, by telephone and digitally. Addresses and contact details can be found under the keyword parental counseling here on Familienportal.NRW.
Further information Links to read more
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