Interview with Tanja Honka on the subject of bullying

How can parents tell that "something is wrong" with their child?

Most likely, changes in behavior or mood indicate a possible stress on the child (due to bullying). For example, quiet, reserved children may become unusually angry or aggressive; more confident children may become quiet or withdraw unusually often. In this case, it is time for parents to have a talk with the child in a quiet moment and to investigate the reasons for the changes. Bullying can be an explanation.

Are there typical characteristics in the behavior when children are bullied?

The possible reactions to bullying are as varied as the children themselves. However, the following clues may indicate a bullying situation at school:

• The child avoids going to school, looks for reasons not to ride the bus, wants to be dropped off or picked up
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• The child is frequently sick, complains of symptoms that may be stress-related, and increasingly wants to go to school less.
• The child's performance drops sharply
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• The child increasingly attends fewer playdates, is no longer invited to birthdays, may not want to celebrate their own.
• The child frequently "loses" money or items, or brings them home damaged from school.

How can parents find out if bullying is behind these signs?

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If parents suspect that their child is affected by bullying, they should gently seek the conversation with the child. However, quite a few children want to keep the situation secret from their parents. On the one hand, because they do not want to burden their parents, and on the other, because they fear that parents will then take action that will make the situation even worse. Parents should therefore be sure to convey two messages in the conversation. First, no one should have to endure such stressful things alone. Let me be there for you. Second, I can take what you tell me. I promise to stay calm.

What advice do you have for parents who find their child is being bullied?

When parents learn of their child's bullying, it usually first triggers a whole fireworks of stressful feelings. Sadness not to have noticed it earlier, anger at classmates or educational staff, helplessness because you are far away from the situation and can only protect your child to a limited extent. Despite all this, it is important to remain level-headed. Under no circumstances should parents take the conflict to parent groups or even confront classmates themselves. Instead, parents should seek a discussion with the class teacher in good time, report on the child's situation and agree with him or her how to proceed. Also, supposedly good advice to the child such as, "Fight back quietly," should be avoided at all costs. They convey to the child only one more time that he was not strong enough, and also falsely convey that "fight back" would be enough to get out of a bullying situation.

How can parents support their child? What does it need now above all?

Children need a recovery space in this situation, where they are heard and their needs are taken seriously. Helpful in this time are, for example, encouraging and distracting trips or joint Familienaktivtäten at home. In these, the child should be able to live out his or her strengths and have fun. In order to relieve pent-up stress, exercise activities - preferably in the fresh air - are ideal. Social contacts outside of school, which are usually still free of bullying, also do good now. And if bullying also takes place digitally via social media or WhatsApp etc., conscious time-outs from the cell phone are important to create "bullying-free" times.

What steps are needed now from your point of view?

After reporting the incidents to the class teacher, the planning and implementation of the necessary measures in the school. Only here can the dynamics of the class be changed permanently. The core of the intervention is that the class community understands that there is not only one person responsible for the bullying, but that it could only take place because many other children did not take a stand against these attacks and instead looked the other way or even participated. It may also take a reparation process before the child can get back into the classroom in good standing. It is important that all involved give this process a chance. Not infrequently, the conflict of the children is transferred to the parents, who then often still argue, while the children have long gotten along well again.

Should children who have been subjected to massive bullying go back to the same class?

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Leaving the class after a bullying incident is not a good solution for either side. The children who leave may feel relief, but leaving the class also feels like a defeat or even further humiliation. The class itself has learned nothing, and the risk that they will continue with this pattern is great.
The best solution, therefore, is for the entire class community to understand the group dynamics that have arisen, practice alternative behaviors for the future, and the affected child returns well to a socially strengthened class community.

Where can parents get support for themselves and their child?

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Parents can be accompanied in this process in the regional school psychological counseling centers. These can be found in every district and every independent city. Here they receive information around the topic Mobbing in general and valuable Tipps for handling the stressful situations. The school psychological counseling center can also be a point of contact for the teacher to plan the necessary intervention and prevention.