Interview with Tanja Honka on the subject of bullying

How can parents tell that "something is wrong" with their child?

Changes in behavior or mood are most likely to indicate possible stress in the child (due to bullying). For example, quiet, reserved children may become unusually angry or aggressive; self-confident children may become quiet or withdraw unusually often. It is then time for parents to talk to the child in a quiet moment and look for the causes of the changes. Bullying can be one explanation.

Are there typical characteristics in behavior when children are bullied?

The possible reactions to bullying are as varied as the children themselves. However, the following signs may indicate a bullying situation at school:

• The child avoids going to school, looks for reasons not to take the bus, wants to be dropped off or picked up.
• The child is often ill, complains of symptoms that may also be stress-related and wants to go to school less and less.
• The child's performance drops sharply
• The child attends fewer and fewer playdates, is no longer invited to birthdays and may not want to celebrate their own.
• The child often "loses" money or objects or brings them home damaged from school.

How can parents find out whether bullying is behind these signs?

If parents suspect that their child is being bullied, they should carefully seek a conversation with the child. However, quite a few children want to keep the situation a secret from their parents. This is partly because they do not want to burden their parents and partly because they fear that parents will then take measures that will make the situation even worse. Parents should therefore convey two messages in the conversation. Firstly: No one should have to endure such stressful things alone. Let me be there for you. Secondly: I can take what you tell me. I promise to stay calm.

What advice do you have for parents who notice that their child is being bullied?

When parents find out that their child is being bullied, it usually triggers a whole host of stressful feelings. Sadness at not having noticed it earlier, anger at classmates or educational staff, helplessness because you are far away from the situation and can only protect your child to a limited extent. Despite all this, it is important to remain calm. Under no circumstances should parents take the conflict to parents' groups or even confront classmates themselves. Instead, parents should seek a discussion with the class teacher as soon as possible, report on the child's situation and agree with the teacher on how to proceed. Supposedly good advice to the child, such as: "Keep quiet", should also be avoided at all costs. They only convey to the child once again that they were not strong enough and also falsely convey that "fighting back" would be enough to get out of a bullying situation.

How can parents support their child? What do they need most of all now?

In this situation, children need a place to relax where they are heard and their needs are taken seriously. Encouraging and distracting outings or family activities together at home are helpful during this time. The child should be able to play to their strengths and have fun. Exercise activities - preferably in the fresh air - are ideal for relieving accumulated stress. Social contacts outside of school, which are usually still free of bullying, are also good now. And if bullying is also taking place digitally via social media or WhatsApp etc., it is important to consciously take time out from your cell phone to create "bullying-free" times.

What steps do you think are necessary now?

After the incidents have been reported to the class teacher, the necessary measures must be planned and implemented at school. Only here can the dynamics of the class be sustainably changed. The core of the intervention is that the class community realizes that there is not just one person responsible for the bullying, but that it could only take place because many other children did not take a stand against these attacks and instead looked the other way or even joined in. It may also take a process of reparation before the child can get back on track in the classroom. It is important that everyone involved gives this process a chance. It is not uncommon for the children's conflict to spill over to the parents, who then often continue to argue while the children have long since got along well again.

Should children who have been subjected to massive bullying go back to the same class?

Leaving the class after a bullying incident is not a good solution for either side. The children who leave may feel relieved, but leaving the class also feels like a defeat or even further humiliation. The class itself has learned nothing, and there is a great danger that they will continue with this pattern.
The best solution is therefore for the entire class community to understand the group dynamics that have arisen, to practice alternative behaviors for the future and for the affected child to return well to a socially strengthened class community.

Where can parents get support for themselves and their child?

Parents can seek support during this process at the regional school psychological counseling centers. These can be found in every district and independent city. Here they can obtain information about bullying in general and valuable tips on how to deal with stressful situations. The school psychological counseling center can also be a point of contact for teachers to plan the necessary intervention and prevention.